Romantic Gifts

Here is a list of gifts that would be acceptable to present to your romantic partner, as on a holiday or anniversary or other special occasion, in order to demonstrate how much you care:

  • Germany and Austria
  • A fjord in the middle of the rainforest
  • The inner fortitude to cope with impermanence
  • Ecclesiastical authority
  • The 99 beautiful names of Allah
  • The Mandate of Heaven
  • Maps that don’t correspond to any real territory
  • 12-ton statue of Beethoven inscribed at the base: “ES MUSS SEIN”
  • A canteen full of water from melted Kilimanjaro snow
  • A 3D mapping of Laniakea
  • Peaches of immortality
  • A circle with an infinite radius
  • Big time sapiosensuality
  • A curated selection of the best Björk screams
  • Wagnerian Valkyrie-metal
  • A computer built into a diophantine equation
  • Lenticular hypercats tesseracting through space and time
  • Pizza sliced Banach-Tarski style
  • A quantum theory of gravity
  • One demon from the Ars Goetia
  • Definitive proof that you’re not crazy
  • A voodoo doll that smells of Axe body spray
  • Oneirocats
  • A bouquet of Freudian zongleblossoms
  • A Pax Poetica
  • A 7,284-page handwritten manuscript entitled “The Fundamental Explanation of All Reality (FEAR)”
  • An artifact bearing a furtive monk’s graffiti: “Habui sexus cum matre vestra”
  • Language lessons in Modern Sumerian
  • Language lessons in French, Old French, Alternate History French, Weird French, Shadow French, Wizard French, and Fairy-folk French
  • 4’33” arranged for porcelain bowl, three glass bottles, crystal flask, and wine goblet
  • Auditory eigengrau
  • Paleolithic techno
  • Pleistocene electronica
  • Sex poetry translated from ancient Sanskrit
  • A copy of your current state vector in a random permutation of qubits in neutron stars
  • Indra’s net
  • A 12,344-word apology that’s clearly anchored in the five canons of rhetoric codified in classical Rome
  • Pink-greens
  • Yellow-blues
  • Omnivibrational kinetic 1,220-piped Tesla organ that produces olfactory holograms
  • Cohomologous co-coconuts
  • Chainmail lattices built from fractal Riemann surfaces
  • A weirdly glowing sentient obelisk that wants to be friends
  • A lush, echoey forest that seems to whisper glossolalically

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