I Will Give You…

“Some things you’ll do for money, and some you’ll for fun, but things you do for love are gonna come back to you one by one.”
-John Darnielle

I will give you:

  • Perfect crystalline orbs
  • Chaos epistles written on the wind with a butterfly wing
  • A few undeniable horrors
  • Macabre mice dancing passacaglias
  • The illusion of eternal glory
  • Planck scale lifeforms teeming in unimaginable density
  • Wondrously intricate clockwork automata
  • One Hindu god in the form of a talking goldfish
  • A sacred guild of sausage makers
  • The fear of incomplete photosynthesis
  • A traumatic but methodical approach to baking croissants
  • Iridescent winds from a mirrorworld
  • Various types of doorways, gates, and portals
  • Peach, blood orange, honey, hibiscus, orchid, night-blooming cereus, jasmine sambac, elemi resin, Peru balsam, benzoin, amber
  • Teeth composed of jagged acicular crystals
  • A pagoda inexplicably filled with clowns
  • A Venusian cloud city
  • A dryly intellectual disquisition entitled “The Exquisite Joy of Parabolas”
  • A bridge built with vines and other flora
  • Touchable holograms
  • The great clown, Pagliaccio
  • Cursed baboon skulls that glow oddly
  • A curious desire to die at age thirty-seven
  • Various techniques to rationalize your fundamental aloneness
  • The ability to comprehend pi in its entirety through gustation
  • A tree that blossoms with 70 different kinds of fruit, including apricots, almonds, olives, dates, cherries, damsons, nectarines, peaches, and plums
  • A goblin servant who answers to the code name Gobbledigook
  • An infinite library of unwritten works
  • Spiders that weave colorful, shimmering webs
  • Vivid hallucinations of flowing water and Dutch windmills
  • Lots of starfish, sea cucumbers, and sand dollars
  • An infinite plain that is simultaneously tenebrous and illuminated
  • Roundels and madrigals and bagatelles
  • A disembodied basilisk head gulping the stars of the autumn sky
  • Fractal glyphs
  • An idyllic pastoral life among nymphs and shepherds
  • Voiderpillars and chasmflies
  • Labyrinthine and unceasing malice that will outlast time
  • One glowy doodad that tessellates oddly
  • Seashell cellular automata
  • Cosmic sheet music with the directive con gioia
  • An artistically degraded point cloud of a jacamar created with a structured-light 3D scanner
  • Violet electric butterflies
  • Recursively flavored teas like “pumpkin spice brûlée oolong tea-flavored pumpkin spice brûlée oolong tea”
  • A potion that is the opposite of truth serum in that it unleashes all the lies you’ve ever told
  • A non-orientable universe in which the space-time is not time-orientable so that the traversal of a path produces a change in parity, charge, and time
  • Specially formulated ghost food
  • A large sack of exotic feathers, cochineal dye, chocolate beans, and salt
  • A wand that blows bubbles of quantum foam
  • Luminescence, lepidopterae, linguapotence, lattices, L-functions, lunar halos, light echoes, liquid, leptons, lilacs, Laniakea, laburnum, lanterns, lightning bugs, lullabies, lutes, lumens, lotus blossoms, locusts, lavender, linguistics, Lagoon nebula, logarithmic spirals, lambda calculus, laminar flow, Lissajous curves, longing
  • An allergy to pentagons
  • Some trilling thrilling scintillae
  • A zoo for origami animals
  • A dimly lit, frankincense-scented chamber patterned with orange and white hexagonal tiles in which the flow of an amber-colored liquid can be continuously heard and the perception of time decelerates
  • A personal physician named Dr. Caligula Raspagallioni
  • An advanced hypercivilization that communicates through digital echolocation
  • A series of ivory towers, all named after 18th century German mathematicians
  • A new mathematics that is both kinematic and dynamic and froths with a frenetic chaos of color, scent, texture, odor, and sound
  • The venerable and ancient wisdom of the Long Dead People
  • Wild pianos with a set of abalone keys that grow into trees along coastal regions
  • Strange citrus fruits shaped like Platonic solids
  • The Mandate of Heaven
  • The susurration of cicadas in summer leaves, starlight filtering through trees, whiffs of exotic fragrance, glowing gardens, cornets and piccolos and viols and flutes, whisperings intermingling with the breeze
  • A glowing ziggurat that delivers vague yet menacing messages in Morse code
  • Combinatoric songbirds that sing in an oligosynthetic creole based on Lorem Ipsum
  • Laughing faces in the water
  • Involuntary resurrections
  • A rotating tower with a blinking green light whose only purpose is to blink
  • A primordial basalt monolith that taunts you in riddles
  • Flash bloods, atmospheric lava, the wrong sun rising
  • Twenty love poems and a song of non-Euclidean vector spaces
  • A mysterious bronze mechanism inscribed with Babylonian arithmetic whose true purpose you will understand when the time comes
  • Proficiency in limericks and betrayal
  • 87 cornetts made of llama bones
  • Ancient stone circles inscribed with screaming, bleeding figures
  • Ghost willows waving in a nonexistent wind
  • Proof of the strong version of the Goldbach conjecture
  • The papacy
  • A volley of blow darts poisoned with curare
  • Obsidian pyramids engraved with time-sensitive ciphers
  • A Rubik’s tesseract
  • A boyfriend named Amadeus, who happens to be an immortal vampire
  • A lifespan that is simultaneously instantaneous and eternal, in which the entire history of the universe unfolds in a single moment
  • Mechanized tectonic plates that enable continental restructuring
  • Particle beam weapons, plasma weapons, laser weapons, pure fusion weapons, and sonic weapons, enabling you to single-handedly overthrow the U.S. government
  • Auroras, moonbows, rainbows, fogbows, lunar coronae, meteor showers, milky skies, crepuscular rays, lightning, glitter paths through spider webs and dandelion fibers, rainbow contrails, heiligenschein, iridescent pileus clouds, green flashes
  • Dreams of equations whose symbols permute or decay
  • A form of synesthesia in which imaginary numbers elicit imaginary colors
  • Linguistic analysis techniques that involve using support vector machines to determine the semantic content of the Voynich manuscript
  • Pompousquipedaliafluence
  • A baffling number that is simultaneously odd, even, prime, composite, perfect, quasiperfect, almost perfect, abundant, weird, untouchable, amicable, frugal, and sublime
  • Objects for hot, steamy sex, such as steam engines, stoves, clothes irons, geysers, volcanoes, boilers, and radiators
  • A full exposition of the interrelation between mathematics and beauty, with reference to Fermat’s last theorem, Fibonacci numbers, the Golden rectangle, Klein bottles, Möbius strips, Mandelbrot sets, Julia sets, complex systems, and chaos
  • A hymn that is automorphic to the object being worshiped
  • A calendrical system that uses linear algebra to algorithmically derive relations between calendars and project new calendars, yielding a polytemporal hypermatrixed multicalendar
  • Sores on the inside of your mouth that bleed continuously, along with an endless supply of strawberries so that no one will ever know
  • A 3D analogue of Penrose stairs, which plays elevator music that makes use of the Shepard tone illusion as you simultaneously ascend and descend the staircase for all time
  • Maps that correspond to what you remember the territory looks like and maps that when redrawn alter the topography of the territory
  • A castle that floats as a natural consequence of its architecture
  • A new physics in which minimal-complexity primitive discrete operations 23 degrees above magnitude yield life

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s