Concerning the Roses

There are 10 roses: the rosin rose, the resin rose, the residue rose, the risen rose, the rising rose, the rinsed rose, the raison rose, the raisin rose, the reason rose, and the rescinded rose.

Each of the roses is associated with a fundamental action:

• The rosin rose can weave honeycombs of coherence.
• The resin rose can bloom within the pineal gland.
• The residue rose can emit the experience of falling in love as a byproduct of retrocausality.
• The risen rose can create an exotic glome of perfume.
• The rising rose can reverse the chirality of molecules.
• The rinsed rose can induce synesthetic hallucinations of light frequencies and scent.
• The raison rose can create intricate automorphisms of self-affinity.
• The raisin rose can release bioluminescent particles that bind to DNA.
• The reason rose can generate a hologram of a rose.
• The rescinded rose can create a ghostship of submerged petals.

There are four hypothetical roses that are predicted by the standard model but have not yet been observed in a laboratory context: the rubicon rose, the raining rose, the risible rose, and the rosetta rose.

The actions associated with the hypothetical roses are as follows:

• The rubicon rose can generate escape-time fractals.
• The raining rose can eject superluminal jets of plasma.
• The risible rose can stimulate hippocampal neurogenesis.
• The rosetta rose can resolve Zeno’s paradoxes.


The rubicon rose is itself a fractal, whose scent-molecules within the space between petals are indistinguishable from the whole suffusing bloom. The encapsulation of this fractal structure ciphers space-filling fields in such a manner as to allow for the self-differentiation and anisotropy of other large-scale structures. As a result, the rubicon rose epiphenomenally produces a celestial compass rose that defines directionality in a three-dimensional space. This is thought to account for the observed “handedness” of particles and for the nonconservation of parity in the weak interaction. In this manner, positing the existence of the rubicon rose enables roseaticians to explain the otherwise unaccountable properties of the rising rose.

The existence of the raining rose, which is thought to account for the rinsedness of the rinsed rose, was first suggested in antiquity by the Indian philosopher and poet Prince Ajātaśatru (c. 510 – 461 BC), who in his famous cosmological treatise and magnum opus, Āgati (“Origination”), wrote of a single central source from which all the material of the universe is perpetually rejuvenated; namely, a large rose from which an eternal shower emanates, whose constituent material ceaselessly metamorphoses. This conceptualization of the raining rose endured for centuries and influenced a significant number of literary, musical, and pictorial works. Indeed, there is a particularly famous depiction by the 12th century Persian painter Jamāl-al-Din Moḥammad Jovaynī in which the raining rose is shown emitting a beam of light that morphs into clouds and then conch shells and then keys and then coins and then delicately tapers off into wisps of soft petals. Today, we have amassed considerable evidence for the existence of such a raining rose in the center of our own Milky Way galaxy, from whose stem a collimated jet of material is ejected at apparent superluminal velocities. This collimation is believed to be created when the twisting of magnetic fields within the accretion disk surrounding the rose channels material along the axis of rotation, which is then ejected along a nozzle formed by the accretion disk. The current understanding of the apparent superluminal velocity with which the rose rains is that it is an optical illusion that is dependent upon the angle of incidence of the relativistic rain making a sufficiently small angle from the radial direction, giving rise to apparent superluminal motion in the perpendicular direction. The key to understanding this is to realize that because the raindrops are traveling in nearly the radial direction at almost the same speed as the rain they emit, by the time the rain actually reaches the viewer’s line of sight, the raindrops are seen at various positions that seem very closely spaced together to the viewer, but that correspond to where they are at very different times in the rain’s own frame of reference.

The evidence for the risible rose and the rosetta rose is somewhat less clear, although many in the roseamatical community are certain of their existence for two mutually compatible reasons. Firstly, in order to explain real physical phenomena using rosedynamical calculations, 14 roses are needed to give mathematical coherence to the theory; secondly, the range of the residue and reason interactions has been experimentally demonstrated to be weaker than had been predicted, which could be due to the interference of risible and rosetta interactions, respectively.

Further Information

For an overview of the current clinical literature on parosesthesia, and a provoking discussion of whether “phantom parosesthesia” is a neurologically valid phenomenon, please refer to Vellanjar Somyajit Ravikumar’s Roses in the Brain.

For an introduction to rose anatomy, see Henry Parrington’s Depetalling the Rose.

A wealth of relevant historical information is found in Giovanni Vieri’s The Lives of the Roses. There is a plenitude of detail on how the rising rose is evolving, the risen rose is evolved, the rescinded rose echoes like a voice in an open room, and much more.

There are numerous culinary uses for the roses, and Bartolomeo Latini’s La scienza in cucina e l’arte della rosa (“Science in the Kitchen and the Art of the Rose”) is an excellent cookbook that features gourmet rose recipes collected from Italy.

So popular are rose dishes in certain areas of Southern Italy that fictionalized portrayals of rose consumption are an essential plot point in Mariangela Agnoli’s best-selling semi-autobiographical novel Tutti i matti mangiano la rosa, which has recently been translated into English as All the Crazies Eat the Rose.

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